a whole mess of thoughts

Just got back from a weekend at the ocean.  Love the salt air, the sounds of the surf, the wild wind and the vast ocean views.  Could look at that view everyday.  It brings me a sense of calm with every breath.  Rain or shine, it doesn't matter.  It's one my most favorite places.

But I'm home now and frustrating how quickly my sense of calm disappears. Overwhelmed.  Unmotivated.  Lost.  Worried.  That's my general feeling these days and I wish I could shake it.  I wish certain things were different and I don't know how to make it so.  

When I look around our house all I see is clutter, especially in my office.  I have a fairly good organizing system for files and business paperwork, but it's the little small pieces of paper, the notes, things that have to be dealt with that sit on my desk without a home waiting for action.  But it's like laundry, it's never done.  I can get today's stuff taken care of and tomorrow there is new stuff, new notes and new things to deal with.  I have baskets and bins to hold things I need but even so I want, I need a clean desk, a place for everything.   I am craving a clutter free zone.  And a more comfortable chair.  I have stacks of papers/fliers/mail that need attention and it's overwhelming.  Maybe I need an assistant?  Or an organizing specialist, like those on HGTV  that come into your home and fix everything and give you a clean slate.  One can dream, right?

I am also overwhelmed with state of some things in our house.  Our master bathroom is in need of repair/remodeling.  The tile in the shower is loose and there is water damage under the tiles.  Not to mention it's ugly.  And the bathroom sink counter is low.  I'm tall, but not overly so, yet our counters are made for short people.  I would love about 4 more inches of counter height.  And more cabinets/drawers for my products.  I don't like having them on the counter, but reaching down low is not good either.  Maybe a stack of shallow pretty cabinets from counter top to ceiling between the two sinks so I can reach in and grab what I need.  We also need a longer tub.  I think ours was designed for someone under 5".  Just too short for me.  

We need  a new front porch railing.  About 1/2 of the rails have fallen off and are laying on our porch.  For 2 years now.   There is only bushes below so it's one is not in danger of falling off but it's an eye sore.  Also, our back deck railing is loose.  Hopefully when it gives way no one is standing on the edge and will plunge 12 feet to a painful landing.  Then there is our kitchen.  Neither oven heats properly and our gas cook-top is a pain to clean, not to mention it doesn't even get that hot.  It only has a 1/2 gas line to it and maybe for a 5 burner gas cook-top that's not enough.  It takes over 20 minutes to boil water for a pot of spaghetti.  Ridiculous.  And our cabinets are so gross.  And the lazy susan corner cabinets are inefficient.  Our cabinets aren't full kitchen height.  There is this one foot soffit around that top that is a waste of space.

Often I want to move.  To a smaller house.  A smaller house with a better designed kitchen and family room.  One that isn't in a state of disrepair. We certainly don't need the big house we have now.  It would force us to get rid of a lot of crap we don't need.   And I could start over.

Guess I'm in a complaining kind of mood.  But this is the stuff that bugs me.  Maybe it's because I work from home and spend a lot of time here.  Maybe I need a new job, one that takes me away from looking at all of the things that bug me.  One that provides income and a challenge. Doing books for the business does not provide a challenge.  It takes time and someone needs to do it, but it's dull.

I have lots of fun things I want to do, but no motivation to do them.  I want to make photo books from our trip to Europe in 2008, our anniversary Hawaii trip last fall, our Christmas vacation etc...but I want a mac to do it on.  I love the iPhoto program.  But will getting a mac really help me sit down and do it?  Probably not.  I have thousands of pictures that sit on my computer and on CD's.  I want to preserve the memories in a book, wonder what it will take to get me to actually start this project?  Wish I knew the answer.

Then there is the cookbook I want to make.  Jake and Kristin graduate from college this spring.  I want to create a collection of family recipes.  It really shouldn't be that hard to make one, but finding the right computer program that prints 1/3 the same as 1/2 should be easy, right?  But not as easy as you'd think.  It prints them differently it looks weird.  1/2 is truly it's own script and 1/3 is just a 1 and 3 with a diagonal line between the two so they look completely different and not the same size.  Why am I unmotivated to do this project and others that I think sound fun.  I can make the time.  But I don't.  

I'm concerned about my relationship with Kristin.  She isn't very communicative and when we talk, which is rare, it's not even what could be considered a conversation.  If I ask a question I get a one word response.  She doesn't ever ask me how I'm feeling or what I think.  She doesn't care about what's going on in my world.  She is almost 22 and it's probably been 4 or 5 years since she's even told me that she loved me.  And her actions don't show it either.  Maybe she doesn't love me?  It's painful.  

I think about Jake and his lack of motivation.  Just because a college degree will be in his hand in 2 months, doesn't mean people are going to come to him with job offers.  He needs to take charge of his life and not expect it to just happen.  Network, get involved.  Do something to be noticed.

And Sarah.  I want her to be happy with the things has in her life.  She is a talented, loving person who carries a lot of worry.  The past year has been a tough one for her.  Hopeful that things have turned the corner for the better.  She deserves to happy.

I feel overwhelmed with my grandmother. She is needy and time consuming.  I feel some resentment towards my mother that she doesn't come up regularly to visit.  My grandmother would love it, she longs for her visits, which rarely occur.  Lack of money is my mom's excuse.  So it falls on me.  It's not right.  It's her mother for goodness sakes.  If she gave up smoking and frivolous spending, she would have the money for more visits.  But she doesn't make it a priority. Wish my sister would come over more often too and not just to visit me, which is always nice, but to spend some time with our grandmother.  I'm tired of doing it all myself.  I've learned I can't make others do what they don't want to do.  Life is about choices and the choice to visit is not one they want to make.  Is it because they feel I'm handling it?  Either way it sucks for me and it sucks for my grandmother.  I hate this feeling of being overwhelmed by her requests.  She thinks we are friends.  But we're not.  I love her, she is a nice woman but she is 50 years older than me.  Our interests aren't the same nor are our friends.  I am not her companion.  I am her grand daughter.  

I have been on a quest for better health since November.  I've lost 38.6 lbs now.  I'm pleased with my results, but I have a long way to go and that is overwhelming to think about at times.  I am more than half way and I should be pleased but I have 35 more lbs to go.  

Getting my thoughts out helps me put things in perspective.  Longing to go back to the ocean where calm prevails and my worries seem so very far away.

My delicious 9 point dinner!

My quest to better health

The past three months have been quite a journey and I am pleased and proud.  On November 1st I joined Weight Watchers online and today I am 29 pounds lighter.  It's a wonderful feeling.  I still have a ways to go, but I know I can do it.  I am focusing on small goals one week at a time.

One of my dear friends is doing this as well.  We text and/or chat daily about what we've eaten, what the scale says, our frustrations and our thoughts through this process.  My quest is to get healthier, become more fit and not get so discouraged when shopping for new clothes. I do not have many of the problems associated with being overweight.  I am grateful for that.  Low blood pressure runs in my family and even at my heaviest my blood pressure was low, my cholesterol in the normal range and no diabetes.  The health issue that was really the catalyst for doing something about my weight was my hiatal hernia. I will always have it, however by losing weight I can lessen the symptoms that are so bothersome.  Already I am feeling better, I know the medication is a big part of it, but losing 29 pounds takes pressure off my diaphragm which in turn reduces the pain and problems the hernia has caused.

Last fall two different surgical groups recommended a Nissen Fundoplication to fix my hernia.  The long term side affects and potential problems really got me thinking. I am believer that anytime you can make lifestyle choices to solve a problem without surgery, then it's win-win.  The surgeons told me that medication and losing weight "may" help and I had about a 50:50 chance of seeing an improvement.  That was enough of a motivator.  I jump started things with 80 mg of prilosec a day (per Dr's orders), yes 80 mg - a normal dose is 20 mg per day.  My symptoms calmed down after 4 weeks and I've have since weened off the high dose.  I only take 20 mg a day now.  Prilosec is an antacid and in my case less acid means less vomiting.  And that's a good thing!

When I started this quest for better health I didn't tell anyone aside from my immediate family, sister and dear friend who joined with me.  It's not that I want to keep it a secret, it's just that it's MY journey, MY quest, MY thing.  I didn't, and I still don't, want advice from people on what to eat, what not to eat.  I feared people would question my food choices.  It isn't their journey, it's mine. I am doing it for me, and me alone.  I do think that's why it's working for me, right now at this time in my life.

Now that I've lost 29 pounds people have noticed and it's nice to get complimented that I look good.  But when someone tells me loudly in a public place with others (whom I don't know) very close by "you've lost a lot of weight and you look good", I just want to have the floor open up and suck me in.  It's embarrassing, you might have well just said "now that you've lost weight I realize how terrible you looked before".  It's nice that you think I look good and are happy I lost weight, but tact and decorum would be appreciated.  I've vented now, I'm over it.  Moving on.

This is what I just ate and boy was it delicious.  1 tablespoon of peanut butter on a slice of Sara Lee Delightful Multi-grain bread and one apple.  I think the peanut butter will have staying power, which is good because I've been so hungry the past few days.  This was after a banana and a hard boiled egg about an hour earlier.  I think my increased hunger is because I really upped my exercise while in New Orleans on a business trip with my husband.  I had to work out more to enjoy some of that yummy creole cuisine.  The extra exercise is good, I feel my legs getting stronger (and smaller) with each workout.   WW point count on the day = 6.  Egg (2), Peanut Butter (3), Bread (1), Apple (0) and Banana (0).   No deprivation for me!

I am pleased and proud that I have been able to lose weight through the holidays and while taking several trips (a week in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, four days in New Orleans, a week in Seattle, WA).  My mind is definitely in the right place and here's to the next 10 pounds.  I know I can do it.  I owe so much of my success so far to my amazing, supportive husband.  I've experimented with new recipes, rid the cupboard of junk food and he hasn't complained once. In fact, he's lost about 8 pounds.  He is such a blessing!

Time to get on the exercise bike!